Good one.

00:00
Got proven right again. Looks like I'll be spending more time alone. Learnt hope should stay grounded.

00:58
Can't sleep. Realising I always blow my chances. Realising I don't need to feel good to be alive. That's a good thing.

---

13:00
I'm doing it again. Wish I knew how to talk to people.

13:43
Mind's a trap; just fell into it again. Going to let everyone have their way. It's easier.

15:03
I think I deserve a chance. Won't be given one. Just gotta' take it myself.

And the truth is,

I really don't know what "being okay" is, and I'm very tired of sticks and stones that I bring home myself. Well, I'm not sure whether or not I know, I guess it's difficult to say but it feels as if I have progressed to a point where everything is the same.
It's like, everyone and everything around me is so beautiful and that's the thing; it's the things around me. It's not the things I am, or the things I say or do; it's everybody else, and all I can do is sit back and speculate.
I'm just so tired of looking.

Have you ever felt that everything people say is a lie? And that the people that say they care really would choose themselves over you? Yeah, well, it's true.

The best thing in the world.

The greatest thing in life is the truth. It is one of the few things that never changes. It can be hidden, it can be twisted, it can be exaggerated, but it will still be there and it can always be found.

Kids don't wanna' know.

When we're kid, we ask things like 'where do I belong?' and 'where will I live when I grow up?' The answer is simple.
We will always belong and will always live in somebody else's shadow.

To someone.

There is no word or series of words that could possibly express how dissapointed I am right now. I figured you out, from the tips of your toes to what's in your head, I know your type and I know you could be better. Instead, you wallow in filth and it's upsetting to hear about all the things you once were. It's upsetting that you're doing to people what others apparently did to you. I never had a bad intention but you were simply made of them.

This is irrational.
I should hate you; I should want to see you beaten and bloody.
But I can't bring myself to feel anything more then empathy.
It fucking sucks.
You make me feel the worst I ever have in such a long time, and I can't even muster up the heart to wish something negative onto you.

Yeah, I'm the one who deserved to be hurt.

What I'm doing is...

Living away from my life.

I feel as if I am simply a spectator. I see everyone growing, moving forward; pictures of them laughing and with people I've never had the chance to know; people I have never and will never see. People hugging them, people I'm guessing they're 'with.' I see them with people who have probably forgotten me, but I'll never forget them.

I'm not moving, and if I am, it's nowhere near them.
I always seem to be pulling in the opposite direction, and I stretch so far that I can't get back to them even though every fibre of my body tells me I need to. Maybe it's that they don't want or need me back. Maybe my purpose in people's life is short lived; a cheap candle.

I feel obliged to care, but I can't expect that back. I feel as if I owe nothing to anything; to no country, to no place, to no religion. I feel as if I owe the rest of my life to the people I'm trying to move towards.
I want out.
I need out.
If I can't get out, I'll force this place to spit me out.

You can't find love in a bottle.

I haven't had time to think recently, let alone time to record anything heh. But the other day I wrote something, for no particular reason but I liked it, I guess. Rreally, there is no motive, no reason behind this so don't try reading into it. You won't find anything but a whim.

This probably isn't love', it's most likely just the worms in my blood churning up my heart for dinner; chewing out my stomach and letting my heart sink. It's probably just all the little people feeding off misery (for a good cause!). This probably isn't love, just all the cigarettes catching my words and stealing my breath. This probably isn't love, but it's close enough; the nicotine keeps me warm and the beer keeps me single.

I didn't stutter.

Never going to finish this one.

We are confined within our minds, that is our world. We are capable of accepting facts, coming to our own conclusions and dictating what is wrong, right and in-between. Instead, we accept the majority as an inevitability and never question, never develop.
In our heads, we are our own Gods but we take the role of insects. Who are you?

I'm actually who you are.

We're a bit of everything that we've ever exerienced,
felt,
smelt,
tasted,
saw,
read,
touched,
everyone we've met,
imagined,
hated,
everything.

You can't unlearn yourself, but thinking about it now, what traits are truely mine? And what are those of another? Who ruined me? Does that mean we can pick and choose who we become, simply by imposing others and experiences onto us?
We're just born hollow husks awaiting the world to colour us in, and we just have to hope we get coloured the right shades. At least there's no ugly shades in the rainbow, right?

Expect addition.

Seeing yourself.

"i am weak
the moisture in the air
keeps me down;
the larger the room
the more i shrink into it
i want to be the walls
the ceiling
the floor
to be electricity
what i would give
to be a name
not a face
to be alpha
no longer omega
to jump three stairs
not just one
to open doors
rather then close
to say pretty words
with a golden tongue
be the art
not the spectator
to be the race
not the horse

hope is a church
of which i am ex-communicated.
i will sink, one day, into the earth;
regret is an anchor
a change in the weather
the desert
tornado
monsoon
el nino

my head is a road map
broken lines
bold lines
i once found myself
atop everest
soaring
i found myself
in marianas trench

there is no use in running
when you can barely stand"

What is self-worth?
How do we evaluate it?
Are we worthless or priceless?
I will add to this one day.

I am guilty.

The below post has been eating a hole in the back of my skull for weeks now.

I know for certain that you'll never know where your feet belong till they've tested every surface.
I want a taste of every inch of this country's floor.

'Moving forewards,'

I was talking to a friend and she brought up the topic of 'rebounds.'
It made me think...
Are we constantly just rebounding from person to person? Are we constantly trying to find someone who resembles the first ever person we truely cared about?

Maybe life is one big rebound, we just keep moving through it to distract ourselves. Maybe we're never truely over the people we've cared for and lost, we simply continue building up layers to put our mind somewhere else. Maybe the desire for adventure and discovery is more praying that all the scenery in the world,
all the foreign faces and tricky languages,
and all the facts,
will bury what we really want.

Somebody, please distract me.

I've accepted that,

We will always question and test the best things in our lives.

I think we just want reassurance that what we have is real.

Feelings 101

This whole last week has been one massive and confusing onslaught on how I feel. I've been in old situations, old places and kicked in the teeth by the shit I remember. An unusual comfort and unrequited trust was probably the hardest one to stomach, it made me realise that 'moving on' is a lot harder then I ever told other people it was. It's not like I've ever lost a signifigent 'boyfriend' or anything like that, but I guess it's like cutting your own hand off, hah. It's important, it's part of you and when it's gone, you simply cannot do the same things you had done when you had it by your side.
It's all my own doing, though.

Every night, it's the same old ghost.

Do we instinctively know which emotion is called or do we learn it? Could we ever get them mixed up for another? Are feelings clean-cut and well defined or do they blur into one another? Are we capable of feeling emotions we don't have a name for?

Why is that the same situation can inspire polar opposite emotions each time we experience it? I once trusted and cared completely for two, but when both left, I only ever felt an absence for one, the other, I felt almost happy for. It doesn't add up.

We have twenty seconds to make a lasting first impression with people, so why is it that some people are so alluring? You will come to the same 'conclusion' about them but you will crave to know them? I once met someone I would normally avoid associating with, but nonetheless, I wanted their approval, I wanted to know them inside out. Why?

It works opposites, too, how can complete opposite situations inspire emotions you associated with another? These things are sporadic! Old friends; despite the changes in them and myself, when I spent time with them, I felt the same as the last time I had seen or thought back on them.

I don't we have any control over what we feel, I don't think we can impose specific emotions, it must have to come...naturally, even if you try with all our energy. I just wish I could reach out and find God's plan for human feeling, memorise it back to cover and read between every line.

We, as humans, are permanently on a knife's edge, unsure as to where our mood will sway; they're never consistent, either. We are irrational, unpredictable and throwing everyone else in circles; you are confusing.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say!
I'm more or less confused about how this whole 'emotion' business works.
I wish I could control it, or at least shut it down for a while, maybe even neutralise them all to the same frequency.
I think I'm just scared of feeling anything.
Maybe I'm scared because one day I might enjoy what my head's telling me.

Get going

Writing an introduction would be futile because, in all honesty, I hardly know myself.
I guess this is going to be an attempt at rationalising my thoughts and working out what 'makes me tick,' really.
I write for myself, and only myself.
I do not care for others opinions on what I say, feel free to share them however, but I am solely set on self-understanding and making sense of everything around me. I don't believe I will ever be able to amount to anything without first clearing my head and defining myself as a person.

That's pretty much all I had to say.
I'm sixteen and live in North Queensland, Australia.
I currently attend school and do not live with my family.
I try to hold interest in everything.

Bye.